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Nu Usa

After the breakup

This is a piece which was created for the L.A. Reader in March of 1992. This was inspired by the collapse of the Soviet Union. Below is the copy which ran with the piece and was written by my brother.


INTRODUCTION. Maybe it was just too good to last. The U.S. of A., that is. Some now refer to The Fall as the Domino Effect: First went the U.S.S.R., then…

Basically, the backlash from the 1980s “Decade of Shame” fueled the ’90s “Decade of Blame” which sparked the ’00s “Decade of Flame,” where 210+ years of history crumpled and burned like old parchment in a blast furnace.

In the wake of the ’95 Election Reform Act, “None of the Above” won the ’96 presidential race by a landslide. Congress then further provoked the public by eliminating the Oval Office altogether and creating, in its stead, seventeen committees, none of which actually formed due to partisan squabbling. Within months, the economically emasculated U.S. erupted into multiple civil wars.

ALASKA declared its sovereignty amidst much celebration. But regionalistic fervor soon faded and hostilities broke out between Whites and Non-Whites. The Caucasians had the firepower but the Native Americans had the soul (plus billions of petro-dollars from the Persian Gulf and the indigenous peoples of oil-rich Siberia) and, crying “Seward, kiss my ice!”, overwhelmed the pale-faces. The new nation of ALEUTIA immediately became a full-voting member of O.P.E.C., and prospered, as drilling began in earnest.

PACIFIC NORTHWEST. The most isolationist new nation is GAIA: A PLANNED COMMUNITY, surrounded, as it is, by thousands of miles of electrified fence. Gaia named as its capital NEW MALIBU, a sprawl of massive ex-Montana ranches owned primarily by Hollywood expatriates, most of whom are rapidly diminishing their fortunes smuggling in therapists via the Black Market. Opposition to Gaia from timber industry radicals was quickly snuffed by imported, un-employed Central American militias, now employed as border guards, chefs and gardeners.

CALIFORNIA. The far north of the ex-state happily joined their new neighbor, GAIA (see Pacific Northwest..) The greater San Francisco Bay area declared its independence, naming itself NO-CAL, but harmony was short-lived as, in the first parliament assembly, numerous factions erupted in automatic weapons fire over the spelling of “women” (or “womyn”) in the still-born nation’s never-finished Declaration of Independence. No-Cal remains mired in bloody anarchy.

Southern ex-California dubbed itself LO-CAL, and with overwhelming support proclaimed Ronald and Nancy Reagan its King and Queen, albeit largely ceremonial titles. Real Lo-Cal power is wielded by Marianne Williamson, as Crown Spiritual Advisor, and Michael Ovitz, ex-Hollywood titan turned Minister of Communications. In the now-famous “Schwarzenegger Maneuver,” Lo-Cal took rapid control of the fertile Central Valley, then spearheaded southeast, easily taking the sympathetic, metro-ex-Phoenix-area. There, however, Lo-Cal forces ran head-on into MORMON’s (see Utah) “Armies of God,” with whom they are also bitterly engaged for the spiritual and economic control of the ex-Nevada region.

UTAH. Proclaiming itself the SACRED LAND OF MORMON, with its capital at NEW JERUSALEM (formerly Salt Lake City,) ex-Utah immediately became the globe’s foremost power as it assumed control over most of the ex-US nuclear stockpile, located on its lands. To seal their power, Mormon invaded Colorado, taking over ex-SAC mountain. Led by High Priest Orrin Hatch, Mormon next set its sights on Nevada and Hollywood, or “Sodom and Gomorrah,” in Hatch’s words, but there ran into the allied forces of Disney and Lo-Cal (see Florida and Califoria), who had their own designs on the desert resort ex-state. Mormon also remains engaged in the east with the forces of Heartland (see Midwest) over the fertile ex-Nebraska plains.

ROCKY MOUNTAIN EX-STATES. Battered by the invasion from Mormon (see Utah) what remained of the Rocky Mountain ex-states — populated primarily, at last report, by small bands of heavily-armed survivalists and ski enthusiasts — declared itself the new nation of COORS, and issued an ultimatum: violate its borders and die. Since then no reports have been received.

TEXAS. With the eager compliance of its neighbors, and under the assured guidance of President James Baker (whose first official act was to raze the hotel where George Bush maintained residency and send the “idiot packing to Greenwich, Connecticut or wherever the hell he’s from,”) Texas assumed dominion over all the ex-states on its borders, becoming the largest of the new ex-American nations. But Texas’s push south bogged down in bloodshed as millions of Mexicans rose up in protest. Baker, however, has assured the world that negotiations are proceeding smoothly and that Texas pledges to grant resident alien status to “most everybody this side of the Panama Canal.”

FLORIDA. The northern ex-”Panhandle” happily joined with its neighbor, DIXIE (see The South.) Guided by a barrage of memos from Lo-Cal’s (see California) Michael Eisner and Jeffrey Katzenberg, Central ex-Florida proclaimed itself the new nation of DISNEY, and named Burt Reynolds President and HOMETOWN (formerly Orlando) its capital. Reinforced by its alliance with Lo-Cal, Disney became a stable, happy land of neatly-groomed grounds, clean hotel rooms and affordable meals. But to Disney’s south appeared a contentious neighbor, indeed: the new nation A.A.R.P. or ASSOCIATION OF ANGRY RETIRED PEOPLE. The (by law) uniformly over-55 populus of A.A.R.P. declared war on what remained of the US and invaded Washington, looting the Treasury because “unlike today’s ingrates” they “worked their whole lives for it.”

THE SOUTH. Two separate Confederacies rose again, one Black, one White, spurring the bloody, ongoing War Between the Hates. In a related development, ex-Louisianan (see Texas) David Duke launched his ill-fated “March to the See,” [sic] leading a ragtag army of skinheads, escaped convicts, Aryan supremacists and extreme Fundamentalist Christians on an abortive thousand mile raid to “librate” [sic] the South. Unfortunately, Duke navigated by maps he prepared himself, and he and his minions became hopelessly lost.

NEW JERSEY. Though they tried to join each of the neighbors forming around them, Jerseyites were rejected by all, even the openly desperate USA. With no choice, the Garden State proclaimed its sovereignty — and its economy boomed, as residents departed en masse and the few who remained declared their homeland the “Waste Receptacle of the Western World.” (See also New York City.)

NEW YORK CITY. Abandoned by its ex-state, unwanted by anyone, the Big Apple fell from the tree and was squashed under-well-heeled-feet by the teems of refugees fleeing in their BMWs and Mercedes Benz’s, escorted by the ex-NYPD, now the world’s largest, highest-paid private security firm. Deprived of law enforcement (and its tax base,) greater New York (including large swaths of New Jersey) became a no-person’s land which was dubbed, in honor of his movie “Escape From New York,” a [John] CARPENTER FREE ZONE, a status it shares with Detroit. Only the heavily-armed Japanese brave these grim frontiers, as they methodically dismantle once-great US cities for scrap.

THE UNITED STATES. Every bureaucrat and politician in Washington tried desperately to prevent the ex-Superpower’s collapse — even naming Willard Scott President by unanimous proclamation in an attempt to find a candidate acceptable to everyone — but all in vain. Fearing the lynch mobs roaming every corner of the ex-nation, very few politicos returned home, choosing instead to blithely continue with business as usual as if nothing had happened — until, that is, they were overrun by the invasion by A.A.R.P. (see Florida). Currently, Old Glory bears but two stars: Delaware and Maryland. (Congress still refuses to grant Puerto Rico state status, though the island no longer gives a shit.)